I’m a bad Buddhist

Sunday, February 10th, 2008
by jbrotherlove

A consistent experience of being black in the South is that other black folks assume I’m Christian. I know it comes from a good place so I don’t normally trip on it. But sometimes it’s annoying to hear from someone I just met, “What church do you go to?”

So I lead them to the revelation that I am, instead, Buddhist. Most have no idea what that entails and then ask if Buddhists go to church. That’s when I have to admit that I should (in my opinion) sit with a sangha regularly but don’t often enough.

Although most Christians don’t attend church regularly, I’m concerned admitting my half-practice dilutes the validity of my faith in their eyes. When in reality, laziness and poor planning are the culprit (the same reason most Christians don’t attend church every Sunday).

I’m not beating myself up about it. But I am acknowledging that I need to be more committed in my learnings. I have so far to go. And I get regular affirmations that this path is the right one for me.

In my black Buddhist email group, a member shared her struggles with the notion that “we all are one” when society shows us differently (I could add an infinite number of identity associations that make this notion difficult for any minority to accept).

Her conflict is with the idea of “giving up” a part of herself (her blackness) to “assimilate” with Buddhism or the World. This is a familiar hurdle for many black Buddhists and even mirrors our experiences as African Americans climbing traditional (white) corporate ladders.

However, another group member offered some sound observations. A portion which is this:

I think one of the things that we forget about Buddhism is that we are also supposed to get in touch with our BUDDHA NATURE. our Buddha Nature is what is INSIDE of us - and not focus so much on the external.

If we really examine “our” external, we will find that “our” external is really made up of “other people’s opinions about who we are.” I think it’s these other people’s opinions of us that lead to low self-esteem. I doubt if any one is born with a low self-esteem - I believe it is a learned behavior.

We are told who we are by our parents, siblings, history, society, media, etc - and we never really learn from the start on how to love ourselves. We need to start to learn to love our Self or Buddha Nature on the inside and let that acceptance work it’s way to our outer form.

I really resonated with his response, especially the sentence “I doubt if any one is born with a low self-esteem - I believe it is a learned behavior.”

When I began to “let go” of what others anticipated, including how friends and ex-lovers perceive me, I could concentrate on what felt right for me. Without “their” baggage, I could more easily visualize myself in terms of a collective “us” (as in human being) and work toward a clearer path of enlightenment. As a result, my self-esteem improved and so did my life.

It’s a process, to be sure, all of this un-learning. Which is why I need to be better about the business of being Buddhist. And no, I didn’t sit with my sangha today.